Starting over

I have long held myself to standards that have lead to disappointment. I've compared myself with others. I'm always telling myself I should blog more, or at least have written a book or two. I had nine years out of the workforce, at home with my children. I could have at least made an attempt! Obviously I'm not meant to be a writer.

But then I take a step back and I look at the challenges I have been dealing with throughout that time. I'm almost 39 and I have spent my life trying to get out from under. I shouldn't beat myself up for what I haven't achieved, I should take a look at what I have. And also realise - my life isn't necessarily over. So many times in our culture we feel like if we haven't achieved stuff by a certain age then we are never going to. I could live until I'm 90! Not even halfway there!

I was raised by two self-absorbed people, who weren't able to meet my needs. It has taken me a long time to re-learn how to be a person, and to be ok with myself, and to take care and protect myself emotionally, and to recover from my childhood. This has been a full-time occupation for me over the last 20 years. In that time I have also gotten top grades at school, completed a university degree, birthed and cared for two children, moved countries three times, been through a divorce, re-entered the workforce full time as a single parent after a nine year absence and forged deep and lasting bonds with true friends. My children are smart, funny, kind, excellent people. I'd say those are achievements. Oh and I forgot to mention that in the middle of it all I found out I have an inoperable aneurysm that may or may not end my life suddenly. I've managed to distance myself from the people who I feel anxious around, for the most part.  I'd say I'm coping pretty well.